In this episode of One Day I Will Tell The Truth I talk about New Year’s resolutions, the pros and cons around them and how I was able to give up a variety of destructive behaviours.
In this episode of One Day I Will Tell The Truth I talk about New Year’s resolutions, the pros and cons around them and how I was able to give up a variety of destructive behaviours.
In today’s truth, I’ll be talking about New Year’s resolutions, the pros and cons around them and how I was able to give up a variety of destructive behaviours.
Thanks for tuning in. And today I’m talking about New Year’s resolutions. I think a lot of people put themselves under a lot of pressure this time of year. And so I thought I’d share some of my experiences with dealing with addictions, as well as my observations of people who are trying to give up certain habits or addictions. This could be anything from drinking, smoking, gambling, eating habits or a range of other, we’ll call them destructive behaviours. Bearing in mind, of course, that in most cases, everything in moderation is fine.
I think it’s pretty safe to say that at this time of year, most people find themselves reflecting on the year that’s just passed. I think the same thing happens around birthdays as well, those milestone points during the year, those times when we look at what we had planned to achieve and what we ended up achieving. And being 2020 it’s probably safe to say that for most people, a lot of things that they had hoped to do or plan to do didn’t come to fruition. I had to cancel a planned overseas trip with my mother, as has been the case for so many. If that’s the worst that’s happened to you, as in my case, you’re probably doing alright.
For many people, it’s been a lot tougher. Changes to their work practices, working from home, children being schooled from home, changing the way we interact. Then there are those that have lost their jobs or had their hours reduced. And then there’s those in health services who have had to work longer harder hours at greater risk to themselves.
And don’t forget those that have had to grieve loved ones alone, without the immediate support of extended family and friends. You could spend hours going on and on about how things have been more challenging for people, and this comes over and above peoples day to day grind at the best of times.
But I think regardless of people’s situations we still come to this reference point of New Year.
In the media, at the moment it’s all about COVID. You know, in the new year, things will be different. There’ll be the vaccine, and things will get back to normal. But you know, it raises the question, what is normal? And for a lot of people normal isn’t very healthy, to begin with. Over drinking, lack of exercise, overeating, perhaps over-working, I think that’s an addiction, which far too often gets overlooked.
So, regardless of whether COVID was here or not, this phase of self-reflection always comes up.
At this point, I’ll touch on my experiences with addiction and dangerous behaviour. That way, you can understand why I think the way I do with respect to how people deal with their habits and why I believe New Year’s is probably not ideal for stopping a behaviour.
I just can’t help but feel that when you’re coming off a period of celebration and overindulgence, you might be setting yourself up for failure, which is okay. Because every attempt to try and limit a specific behaviour gets you closer to ultimately achieving that goal. That whole idea of slowly chipping away at what you want to achieve. Most would have seen the quit smoking campaign where quitting is like a muscle that builds over time. Or perhaps it’s willpower that’s the muscle anyway you know what I mean.
So from my mid-teens, I started to indulge in dangerous behaviours that included regular underage drinking from around the age of 15. And that was probably a fortnightly to monthly thing. Oh yeah and I started smoking at 13.
And then came the gambling when I was about 17. I’d sneak into pubs to play the gaming machines, betting on horses from age 16. The gaming machines for me was the step up from arcade games. Now I'll be dedicating an episode or two to gambling specifically at a later date. So I won’t spend too much time on it.
Just briefly, I was transfixed by arcade machines from a very young age from my first encounter at the local supermarket when I was about 7. By the time I reached my early teens, I already had what I would describe as a chronic addiction to arcade machines. I could spend hours on this subject alone, hence the reason for its own future episode.
I also started smoking pot when I was 16. And that was a bit more sporadic early on. It would gradually increase over time until I reached my late teens/early twenties when it became quite heavy. While I was still at school, it was a fortnightly weekend kind of thing. But then as I got older, and had more freedom, it became more regular. And it was maybe three, four times a week getting stoned and drinking on the alternate days. This subject will also be addressed in more detail in future episodes.
But I thought, I’d just touch further on my experiences, so my behaviours would jump from one to another. But gambling was a constant. I would shift between drinking and smoking pot with gambling a common thread. That was the pattern.
As was working, that was also key. I always worked for the most part in jobs that I really didn’t like. I was an electrician for ten years and hated it the only thing that made it bearable was the people I worked with and the comfort that my income was able to bring me via my addictions.
So the drinking and the pot-smoking fluctuated. One would be heavier than the other, and then they'd take turns, six months on six months off, that kind of thing. And that went on for years.
Sometimes I'd you know, classify myself as a smoker for more than a year or two and then go back to being a drinker for two or three years until travelling in the early 2000s, just before I turned 30 when I went to Europe for almost four years. During this time, it became more about drinking and less gambling. Gambling was nowhere near as accessible in Europe as it is here in Australia, particularly during those times.
I realized early on in the piece when I was around 23 that these behaviours were destructive for me, and I did seek out help. I went and saw a psychologist primarily for gambling. I didn't see pot smoking or drinking as a significant issue. Back around that time, the therapist had recommended that I go back for more sessions. But I wouldn't seek help again for another couple of years.
She was probing into my early childhood, and I just wasn't capable of going there, I was 23 at the time. And I had just come off a relationship breakup, and I put it down to my gambling, but there was more to it. A lot more, And again, I'll be going into that in more detail in later episodes. What I can say based on my experience and the vast amount of data out there, is that at the core of most addictions, these destructive behaviours is some sort of traumatic episode that has led to the development of these patterns of behaviours.
So my destructive behaviour went on for many, many years, and fluctuated in terms of its volatility. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t able to function, remember I was also a workaholic which means income to sustain my habits. And when I became a small businessman, at age 33 there was more income available, so gambling became more of an issue as did drinking.
I never really stopped trying to, to work on the issues with my behaviour. I saw various psychologists at different times, but I was also dealing with depression and anxiety, and they were all connected.
I wasn't able to make a lasting change until 2014 over six years ago, I was 43 at the time, and I referred to a new therapist. And the timing of that was pretty crucial as I was in a very dark place, heavy drinking, and heavy gambling. Drug use by this time had subsided. From time to time, I might try something, but it was limited. It was more a case of drinking, gambling and smoking.
So I saw this therapist, and I gave her the rundown. As to how I'd been feeling things I've been dealing with in the past.
I gave her the run down described my childhood traumatic experiences. The therapy that I had gotten into at various times during treatment in my 20s and 30s. And she said to me, well, she gave me an ultimatum. She said she could help me, but that I would have to stop drinking first and foremost. And if I did, she would; she would take me on as a patient. It was strange because, in the past, I had always been given the option. Not now. It had always been that I should probably abstain, but it was okay to have a few. Just don’t over-do it.
None of them ever put their foot down like that. And that was what I needed at that time. So I stopped drinking. I stopped smoking. I stopped gambling. And I also stopped coffee. That was something I hadn't mentioned earlier. Coffee was a big one. For me, they all work together at different times. So they all feed into one another.
And I think a lot of people can relate to that: the whole coffee and a cigarette. It was more of the adrenaline rush with the coffee for me. It was the pick me up from the night before. I would binge on coffee the morning after bingeing on alcohol the night before. Half a dozen double-shot espressos a day was not uncommon.
So New years for me was always a reference point to look back at how I'd like to slow down, or I'd want to slow down. But I found it too difficult. In the years leading up to cleaning myself up, I found February and March easier to slow down. January was usually just too hard. I found that I would maybe stop for a few days after the Christmas New Year bender, but then find myself getting into it again, soon after, a few days later, friends were off work, and the temptation was too hard to resist.
I think what many people don't realize is that we are consuming so much sugar with cakes and so much food and alcohol and to try and stop that in one hit. That's just; I think it's lunacy, to be honest, it’s nuts.
You know, with all drugs, they tell you to wean yourself off. If you're, you know, if you're addicted to pain medications or even antidepressants. Oh yeah forgot to mention those also. Again that’s another episode. You know, it can be harrowing to try and go cold turkey. I did it with antidepressants, and it was fucking wild. And the same goes for drinking and smoking. Most people would have met someone who's gone cold turkey say off the cigarettes, and it’s insane how irritable they get.
So the reality for me was that until I was given an ultimatum, I couldn't get the help that I needed. What it came down to for me was that my behaviours, those habits were embedded, in a pattern. They were all interconnected like a support system. And they were all related to trauma that I'd suffered as a young child.
And whilst I'd touched on the trauma at various times throughout my adult life, it hadn't been fleshed out to the extent that it needed to be. And when I did, everything changed. When I saw the truth of the past and how it had altered my development and the subsequent effects on my behaviour, it was easier to work on what needed to be done.
I feel for many people who seek out help, take that courageous first step, and don’t get the help they need.
And in my experience quite often it's just because the person that they're dealing with just isn't right for them. And that's what happened to me on numerous occasions. I tried different therapists, different psychologists. And I was really up for doing some serious work on myself, but they just weren’t the right person to be talking to. Maybe they reminded me of someone, and that triggered something. Their energy was just off. There's something about them that that just didn't click with me and it didn't work. And this could have even been just the relaxed type of a demeanour that just wasn't what I needed, you know. And it can be challenging because people feel like I feel sick, I go to my doctor, my GP, you know, I've got a cough or cold, go to the doctor, give me something, get it sorted out. But when it comes to these types of issues, it's trickier. You really need to connect with your therapist on a certain level in order to get the results.
And I think people need to understand that sometimes you have to shop
around and not get hard on yourself if you do go and talk to someone, and things don’t just magically go away, you don't get the outcomes that you're expecting. Go somewhere else. Try something else. If you go to a male psychologist and it doesn't work out, try a female if they're older and that doesn't work, maybe try someone younger and vice versa and keep trying because there is someone for everyone that will connect with you. That can help.
So yeah, I think it's, it's essential to, to get help from a professional. If you've got an addictive behaviour, say you're a heavy drinker, and you're just going to go cold turkey, see your doctor first, have a chat and then maybe get some support, some counselling. Same goes with any type of addiction, you know, contact a doctor. And if you don't have a good relationship with your doctor, change doctors, I had the worst relationship with some doctors in my 20s. Then in my later adult life, I just changed a couple of times until I found someone that I could talk to and didn't have any issues talking to about anything, and it just makes so much of a difference to life in general. It’s just so much easier.
And the thing about seeing doctors and therapist around new years is, guess what? They go on holidays also. So maybe give yourself a plan to get onto it in February or March.
At this point, I’ll quickly share my experiences as a service station operator. So like any small business, you have your regular customers, And in the early years I would spend a lot of the public Holidays the Christmas day and New Year's Day periods in the service station and usually the days after particularly in the mornings basically because I was hungover and it was I needed to do what I needed to do paperwork etc
And what I found in those first few years was that many of my regular customers. You know the ones whose brand of cigarettes you know off the top of your head. They just have that familiar routine, and some of those regular customers would undertake to quit smoking. And more often than not they would buy bags of lollies instead to compensate for the nicotine craving, and I'd find myself talking to some of these customers and more often than not they were laying off the drink as well, laying off the alcohol.
And in most cases, they were back on the cigarettes by the end of January usually not long after Australia day. I think Australia day has a lot to answer for when it comes to breaking New Year's resolutions bringing people back to the cigarettes and the drink. I guess the other thing is that many people are on Holidays, so there are more get-togethers, especially given we are in the middle of summer. So it just makes it very hard to resist those temptations I think later on during the year when it gets a bit colder, and daylight savings finishes. There are fewer parties, and you can maybe arrange that appointment with your GP, and he or she is available. That counsellor that you've been told about is also available, and it feels like a more appropriate time to be working on what you need to work on without the obstacles.
One guy in particular tried I think 3 New Years in a row and finally, quit smoking, but it was in the middle of the third year. Rather than just try and stop altogether, he chose to slow down instead. I guess he had also built up that willpower, that muscle so that would have helped. But three years, that's a struggle, and I distinctly remember having a conversation with him about it. He would talk about how he found it really difficult to drink and not have a cigarette or have a coffee and not have a cigarette. That conversation would come to mind some ten years later when I gave up all of my dangerous habits so yeah.
One final thing that I would mention. This came up in conversation with a friend just a couple of days ago when I told him I was doing the podcast on this subject. He mentioned that far too often at this time of year, people focus on what they should be doing less of. I hadn't looked at it in those terms before. Still, it does make a lot of sense people have this tendency to lean towards yeah less drinking less eating, less harmful foods etc. less of everything rather than having a focus on doing more positive things and for me that has made a big difference. I have completely changed my behaviours.
I always forget that to change my habits, I had to take up other behaviours. This took the form of writing. Back then, in 2014, it was my blog, and I started to write a book that eventually led to acting. Especially in early-mid 2015, there were a lot of things going on in my business where things were coming apart, and I was under a lot of stress, it was these creative outlets, these new behaviours that I had adopted that got me through that first year of not drinking and not smoking and not gambling. So yeah there's a lot to be said for focusing on doing positive things with your time, and I think COVID has highlighted that with many people. Doing stuff in the garden, for example, that's another thing that I do a lot of playing around in the garden, and you know and taking up different things like podcasting. Many people have taken to podcasting and other creative endeavours so yeah.
The other thing to remember is that, if you want to make a change you've got to put in that effort to not only limit those behaviours but replace them with new ones.
So remember. Don’t be hard on yourself.
Set realistic goals for the year
Plan things out. Be prepared to change those plans. If Covid has proved anything, it’s that we are adaptable and that when things aren’t working when processes aren’t working. Change them.
Seek out help, see your GP, get that referral for a therapist, find the right therapist. Keep working at it and when it doesn’t work, change.
So that’s just about it for this episode. I hope everyone has a safe and happy new year. In the next episode, I’ll share my truth about acting and how it has helped shape the last five years of my life.
Remember to like and subscribe, and if you have any thoughts’ on any of the subjects raised here, I’d love to hear them. Happy 2021 and I’ll catch you soon.
OUTRO
This episode of One Day I Will Tell The Truth was produced by Tony Barea. Sound design by Robert Fereira.
An edited video version of this podcast will be uploaded to Youtube in the coming days.
You can find details of all my podcast episodes including full transcripts, edited video copies, and more about me at tonybarea.com
Thanks for tuning in.